F*CK 2016

Today I suck less at... nothing because I'm exactly where I fucking need to be. 

Seriously, I need to let out one giant, steaming "F U" to 2016. This year has been one insane life-altering moment after another. I mean personally, yes. But, collectively this year has been wrought with some really messed up stuff. I know we are all going to drink pretty heavily when we ring in the New Year. We all need this year to be over! 

For me, the last few years have been pretty rough. Yes, there were so many incredible moments and I would not be here writing this without the love and support of my friends and family. I am beyond grateful for their kindness. My friends saved me through the hardest time in my life. Especially when everything finally came to a head at the beginning of 2016.

I didn't start this blog because I thought, "Wow, this will be fun!" I started this blog because I was trying desperately to prove to my husband that I was worthy of him. He consistently put me down for being a less than stellar homemaker. Yeah, I'm an artist, I'm messy, my mind races a mile a minute on creative ideas, I'm always on the go. I spent most of my life moving around, touring, traveling. I didn't spend a ton of time learning life lessons like cooking, cleaning, etc... But you know what, I really did want to learn those things! So, that's why I started "Mastering Mrs." I wanted to prove to him and I suppose myself that I could be a great homemaker too.

I spent countless hours learning new recipes, teaching myself how to cook, creating neat DIY projects for our amazing son, and really trying to document the life we were all building together. 

It seemed that no matter how hard I worked, nothing would change his mind in the end. He saw no value in me. The things that I am innately gifted at were of no use to him. I hadn't quite adulted well enough to keep my husband and so with that, he left. 

I'm not writing this to throw him under the bus. I won't speak ill of him because we have a son together and he did try in his own way to see the good in me. But it takes an incredible toll on your physical and mental health to hear day after day that you just aren't quite good enough. That who you are at your core isn't valuable. 

I stepped away from this blog after he left. I didn't have anything in me to write about and I didn't really see a reason. But this past week I opened up Chrome and started to comb through the multitude of posts that I had written and it hit me, I have value. He may never see it. But I finally do. 

I haven't felt any sense of worth in years because I was always coming up short in his eyes. But looking over these posts made me actually see in text, photos, ideas, execution, that I am valuable. 

I may not be a perfect homemaker. But I am worthy of love and I am worthy of respect. 

So, as 2016 closes and this crazy journey of unraveling a marriage comes to an end, I'm working on reclaiming the self-love I used to hold. I'm going to start blogging again. But this time, I won't be starting my posts with "Today I suck less at..." No, I don't need the daily reminder that I'm not good enough and that I need to suck less at life.

I'll simply start my posts. I'll continue to show up as I did from the beginning. Only this time, I'll show up full rather than an empty, nervous shell of a person. 

I'm taking my fucking life back and my goddamn blog too.

Mastering Mrs. Moi

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I suck less at getting older. I'm really good at that today.

Today is my birthday! I still listen to My Chemical Romance and have the same insecurities I did at 15. I may never really feel like an adult. I don't think I'm an old soul at all. I think this is my first time around and I've got the wanderlust to match.

Here are some random observations I've made over the years.

1. French fries always taste better when eaten in the car.
2. Following your bliss does not guarantee happiness.
3. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry was right about everything.
4. If doctors prescribed more food and yoga and less pills, we would all be a lot healthier.
5. Taking care of yourself is not selfish.
6. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels— Except doughnuts.
7. Sometimes it IS too late to say “I’m sorry."
8. Changing for someone isn’t always a bad thing.
9. My son's smile can instantly cure any bad mood.
10. I can do all things through coffee and wine.
11. I’ve wasted a lot of time.
12. Less is more and I have too much stuff.
13. People need people. I’m a person so, I need people. But, I hate admitting that.
14. Worrying about what other people think is foolish. I’ll probably never stop.
15. Freddie Mercury was a musical genius and one of the greatest voices of all time.
16. Travel is an excellent form of medicine.
17. You CAN forget to ride a bicycle.
18. I’ll always feel fat, but I'm trying not to let it ruin my life anymore.
19. You are either a cilantro person or you aren’t. No one is cilantro-neutral.
20. Resting bitch face is a real affliction.
21. Childhood scars never disappear.
22. I’m stronger than I imagined, but still afraid most of the time.
23. Life is incredibly fragile and ephemeral. The trick is to forget that fact.
24. Brad Mehldau’s version of “Exit Music for a Film” by Radiohead is and will always be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.
25. Hedgehogs do not make friendly pets.
26. Giving always feels better than receiving.
27. If you live in gratitude you will always find happiness.
28. Being a teenager in the 90’s ruled. I wish I knew that at the time.
29. The ending of LOST was poetic and beautiful. If you don’t agree, then you are wrong and I question our friendship.
30. Life is better when you ask a lot of questions.
31. I am actually a good cook.
32. Guacamole technically costs more than a dollar extra depending on the tax. Yes, I want it anyway.
33. I should laugh more and worry less.
34. It’s okay to like wearing makeup. It doesn’t make you superficial.
35. Everything I really needed to know in life, I learned from Penny on Inspector Gadget.
    
    Photo by my good friend Carrie Tormey, taken many moons ago.
    
    

Happy Birthday to me and my fellow July 10th birthday twins!

Today I might eat a doughnut.